still, hope…

I hope you see
how I so want you,
that everything in me only wants this life with you,
that nothing of my heart
can ever wish for anything more.
What struggles must be faced,
what pain that is to be endured,
I cannot ever consider
anything that would cut away this encompassing desire
for you.
There’s so little that would want me apart from you,
save life’s passing,
and I cannot accept the stumbles that come
to ever be worth
giving you up.
Life’s mysterious magic
led me to you
for the reason
that our hearts fit,
for the purpose
that the future ahead of us
be entwined.
My love of you
is fathomless,
even in moments of shadow,
and will never extinguish;
my love for you
is that one true beacon
that shines through dark days and bright.
I will not ever waver
in my devotion, in my love,
and I cannot accept
a life without your love, without your hand holding mine.

i wish hope was real, was really there

I can’t hold strength in hope.
That I would dare to believe
now fills me with shame;
that I would think
I had any right to keep faith in love
serves as a pitiful reminder
of what I’m meant to be.
My heart doesn’t have much reason
and the scars on my soul
are self-inflicted.
From God, from you,
I know I can expect nothing;
I turned out to be an option
that didn’t hold much weight
and I guess I can see
how that’s meant to be –
I was never worth holding onto,
never worth the effort
that now is given freely
to an ugliness that will leave your heart scarred.
Hope,
Faith,
Love
– these words are empty,
I’ll fool myself towards believing,
because everything else I’ve believed in
has fallen from my hands
and has left my heart
twisted in this hopeless anguish.

I lied.
I want you.
I want you so fucking much
that everything in me
is a remnant of what should be,
that every second here – away from you –
is a hell my soul will never forget
and may never recover from.
But there’s nothing I can do
that will show you
our lives are best entwined;
there’s nothing
that I can do to change your mind.
I don’t know which is worse –
that I sit here
with this pain cutting apart my soul
or that I will have to watch
– from so far away –
as your own gets stained with that ugliness
without being able to do a damn thing about it.
Angels turn away from tears,
that much I’ve learned;
God cares not for pleadings of the heart.
It isn’t love that blinds,
but the desperation of hope,
and even in letting go of that
I fail so completely,
as this love for you will always possess me
and the hope that you will realize
is behind my heart’s every weakened beat.

I’ve to keep myself guarded now,
ever-vigilant against a break in these turmoiled clouds
because all I can see
is a returning of hopelessness
that will sweep me in its storms.
Wariness of hope
will now always
be on the same breath
as every whisper of love,
always waiting for it all to again
scorch my heart in its emptiness
and leave me sobbing in its wake,
leave me bleeding into crippling sorrow.
that I would have to
sacrifice faith
is a blackening stain I now have to bear,
but I know no other way
surviving these days
could otherwise ever be possible.
I cannot think
how I might ever give freely
that within me
I wish you to forever hold;
I cannot trust
that love doesn’t come with its own scarring price.

I tremble inside
every moment,
every breath,
every time I close my eyes,
wishing to be with you, always.
I don’t know how to show you
how much you matter to me,
how important you are to me,
how I love you with every beat of my heart;
I don’t know what to do
to make you ever want me again.
If I could turn it back,
make it right,
I’d do anything
and would never let go
and things could be better,
just give me that chance;
all I want
is you.

The nights grow long,
cold and barren,
and daylight stays hidden behind darkened clouds.
I could list so many reasons,
but they all fall, melted
from fingers which will never know your touch again.
This isn’t sadness
which cripples my heart,
not mere fear
that tears my soul in pieces.
I know deep inside
that all I can do is futile,
that nothing matters anymore.
I can’t make you see
that you matter so much to me,
that you are my heart,
not if you’ve decided to turn away;
I can’t make you choose
that which you’ve already let go of.
Each moment I spend away from you
is a hell of regret, of mourning,
of wishing on every star and prayer
that this pain may ever end.
But I know,
the morning will come
and all I can hope for
is that this broken heart ceases its beat.

I wish I could take it all back,
make everything the way it should be,
fix the things I should have,
been good enough you could have loved me
forever.
Now, I dwell on becoming a memory,
another moment, whose time has passed,
now, all life has become
is a pale shadow of what it should be.
The tears burn,
the dreams that haunt
don’t let go,
and the pain will be ever-present.
There isn’t a moment
of my life with you I regret
except these times which cleave us
and I’ve no idea how to make
anything ever make sense again.
I wish I was better,
I wish I was what you needed,
what you wanted,
but it isn’t so
and I only make a fool of myself,
I only make myself more pathetic
thinking I have whatever’s needed
to ever make you want me again.

I thought before
that whatever struggles were ahead in this life,
we could overcome,
that what challenges
we would have to face
would eventually fall in the face of our love.
I thought before
we could handle whatever lay in the road ahead of us.
Now,
Christ, now,
I barely make it through the moments
before tears well in my eyes,
I barely think of your smile
without crumbling.
Why is this?
What went so terribly wrong
that I fade into this distance?
What is it
that keeps you from wanting our life together?
I wish I knew.
I wish I knew what to do.
Without you,
I am lost,
I am only a ghost of who we could be,
and you move forward
with barely a glimpse of my crumbled heart.

more of it

I wish what you say
is what you would show,
and that what you did
is that which you meant.

The earth turns
but we don’t feel it move
until the night we look up
and the sky above us
shines down with stars of a different life.
What that life may be
I thought would surely be true,
that to be noble in love
would set those stars in place.
How can anything be sure any more?
These night skies
seem to hold no stars
and when the earth again turns towards morning
still, you won’t be here.
You won’t be here.

if hope were a thing of tangibility,
my hands would be stained red
and empty.

this is what heartache looks like,
this is what it is
to be the one who falls.
I know blame is to be put over me,
I know that it was my fault
that led this path to be forked
and I fold beneath that weight,
wishing there was one damn thing
I could do
to make everything right as they should be.
but I’m weak,
I’m a pathetic mess,
and I’ve no right to ask for what isn’t mine anymore.
I can’t bring myself to accept
that what was is so scattered
and I so much want to believe
that those tomorrows ahead
hold some sort of glimmer
but I should know better,
I should know enough
to see that
the shadows of hope
are quickly fading
and all that will be left
is this fruitless pain
and the alone that lies ahead.

I’m exhausted of all this,
reduced to merely a minor stain
on the tapestry of life,
and I don’t think
I’ve left the energy to dare hope anymore.
I didn’t think this would be the end,
that all you would say
would turn to be so weightless
and that which burns within my heart
would smolder to ashes to be blown to the winds.
If that what you say
you would make real,
if you showed the bit of effort,
maybe then I would know hope is real;
instead I am left dangled over an abyss,
fed with half-truths and rhetoric,
facing that realization
that I am not worth enough,
that, in these days,
love is not worth enough.

broken hope

Any of this
makes no sense to my heart;
is this another trial that must be outpaced,
retribution for what little I’ve been?
I can’t think
any of this is right,
even when I step outside of my own selfish heart.
The reasons don’t add up,
the pain I feel cannot be possibly the end.
If it is to be so,
I beg of you to tell me,
I beg that you don’t leave me with groundless hope
and that you can tell me
you don’t want my heart any more
with total conviction.

I don’t think
life much likes me,
I can’t believe
there is meaning in much anymore.
Faced with what you tell me
and what actions you pursue,
I know I am a lost cause
and tomorrow’s hopes
are another shattered dream.
If I could cut myself off,
if I knew how to not feel,
maybe then I could make it through this
but my heart thunders with pain
and every speeding moment
twists and tears at my soul.
I’m sorry for not being better,
for not being enough,
for holding on so dearly
when you’ve done what you can to show me how futile it is;
I’m sorry my heart finds it impossible
to let go so easily
of that love which has made life a better place.
I don’t wish to cause you this discomfort,
I don’t wish
to keep battering at what will never be.
I would beg if you would hear me,
I would plead you to not let go
but it feels as though anything I might say
falls emptily into silence,
falls short of ever reaching your heart.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I can’t face a tomorrow without you,
I can’t think of anything
that will soothe this pain
and I know completely
it is on my shoulders,
it is my fault that life has led here
and the chance to ever put things back together
is so far from my grasp anymore
that I know
life’s ever-continuing days
hold nothing for me.

There’s no one who can save me now,
there’s nothing
that will ever make this pain dissipate.
The tomorrows that come
are limited
and stained with regret and rejection.
I feel such the fool
for leading myself to this,
I feel weak
for needing this love
that has so obviously left
and leaves me with nothing
but memories stained red.
I never wanted to lead to this,
I never wanted to be this weak,
but only pain seems left
and a life without her
is nothing I can find myself wanting.
If I could have ever made anything better,
I would have done all I could,
but I took the wrong step
and lost all that mattered to me,
thinking I was somehow leading everything to a better place.
I know better now
and I know it doesn’t matter;
I tried to watch the shades of gray
but what is black and white is too encompassing to stand against.
If I were a better man…
if I could possibly be more than this…
but it is too late.
Without goodbyes to be said,
without ever knowing what could be,
all I know is that this pain is more than I can endure
and that tomorrow’s damnation
is not worth the breath,
is not worth the emptiness
and I would rather go quietly into the night
than live another day without her.

I am so damn sorry
that I am not strong enough,
that I cannot see past this
and that I would cause any sorrow at all.
I know
the extent of my selfishness here,
I know
I give no recess
to what pain I may bring,
but this is too damn hard
and I cannot see hope as ever a tangible thing.
If I ever thought
that I would be this broken,
then I surely would have kept my heart under better guardianship,
but I wanted so much for happiness
and a life I knew I did not deserve.
I should have expected
that such beauty could not endure,
not within my fate
and no blame can be laid
but at my own feet.
I am so sorry.

When the promises of the heart fall short,
when the words of love are empty,
what hope is there?
What hope can there be?

Don’t think that I will ever be over you,
don’t think that my heart does not beat
with you in every pulse.
As a fool,
I surely do make the run
and I know this,
I know how I have only been strung along.
Maybe it is a lack of self-respect, self-worth
that I cannot let go so easily,
that I cannot accept what I face
and instead bury myself in foundless hope;
maybe it is that my heart speaks no lies,
that my soul only desires
that beauty I found in your arms.
Each day is a struggle,
each moment a battle against the heartache
that I again and again lose,
laying myself bare in futility.
My strength is fading so fast,
my faith is a wrecked gasp
as I see how little I matter
and how little hope there is in tomorrow.

These half-truths and glimmers of hope
you keep sliding me
turn out to be a poisonous blade,
twisting deep into my heart,
paring out the life of me.
Instead of honesty,
you speak in rhetoric,
never letting me know
what should be is now lost
and, like the eternal fool,
I keep wanting to believe you,
keep wanting to hope.

aching

How I wish you knew
that all my moments
without your hand in mine
are without beauty or happiness,
that each second that drags forward
with you so far away
leads towards nothing but anguish.
I don’t care for an existence
without your smile,
a life without you there to hold
is bound in tears and heartache;
these days we are not together
are a purgatory of emptiness
and the fear that this is what will be
shatters my every hope and dream.
I can’t believe in a life
where you and I are not together,
I don’t want to think of a life
that does not hold your kiss,
that is devoid of your presence.
I know you as well
feel the pain of being apart
but to let such love fall away
cannot be a solution to anything,
cannot be the direction our hearts are meant to follow.
These moments,
and those that lay ahead,
for both of us,
are meant to be entwined.

I’m here, waiting,
wishing,
wanting to make it all right again.
I’m here, hoping,
daring to hear the words from you
that will bring us back together
and end this division.
I’m here, scared
that the breach between our hearts
may continue,
may never heal
and all my tomorrows may be empty
of my heart’s cherished love,
of you.

Each day,
my heart wretches in fear,
my soul tears apart
for that which I so dearly want
but you remain so far away,
out of reach
and I know not what to do
to bring back together
these hearts of ours.
Not a moment can slip by
where I am not thinking of you
and wishing I can make it all whole again,
wishing I could be better for you,
wishing I could again bring to your lips
that radiant smile, those beautiful words.
I barely breathe
without finding myself on the cusp of tears,
my each second is spent in longing
and I cannot believe
that this path is meant to be;
I cannot accept
that we are ever meant to be apart -
everything within me argues against such
with ardent fervor
and complete conviction.
Your love, your heart
has made my life worthy of breath
and I do not want to be relinquished so quickly,
I do not want to think
that I could be so easily unwanted
when you are all that I want
forever.

it’s my everyday

You don’t know
how I adore you;
you don’t see
that my thoughts all come full circle
back to you.
Always in my mind,
always what I want,
you don’t look at
that I need you so much
and it hurts so much to be so far apart.
You don’t see
the brink of tears your silence brings me to,
you don’t see
how I just want to be with you
and each moment we are splintered
is an echoing pain in my heart.
You don’t see
even as I try again and again to show this
and it scares me to hell
that maybe you don’t want to.

I’m not afraid
of what others may think
or their whispers when I can’t hear;
I’m not afraid
of how things may seem
or if it looks as though
I make a victim of myself.
No, all my fear
is wrapped up
in these awful thoughts
of a life without you,
that this pain of your absence
is unending.

My love for you does not end,
my want for you does not end,
I will not ever
give up on you and I.
You make my life
more than it ever could be without.
My heart, my love for you
is undying;
our souls
are meant to be entwined.
I am meant to be with you,
my fate beats within your heart
and I will forever
be here for you.

through my every waking moment….

All this love within
is empty without you near,
this ache is not going to dissipate,
not ever,
and all the tomorrows ahead
mean so very little
if I’m not coming home to you.
There’s enough time
to work out the wrinkles,
there’s enough time
if you just tell me;
I don’t belong anywhere else
but with you.

I miss you,
each day is barren without your presence;
each morning wakes to emptiness and longing,
reaching out for you,
only to find myself holding nothing.
I ache
just to have you near,
just to see your smile
and hear your voice.
I miss you
and there’s nothing that distracts from your absence;
each night is cold,
hours that stretch into the darkness
without the least comfort.
God, how I miss you;
this life,
these days,
all of it is less without you
and all of it
makes each moment away from you
feel like forever against my soul.

With every ardent beat of my heart,
I wish you needed me
nearly as much as I need you;
I wish you craved the moments
I was near
as I hunger for your presence.
I wish that this yearning
that courses, constantly, through my veins
is echoed within you
and that hope is persistently in your thoughts
as such leaves me naught through my waking hours
and reverberates in my sleepless dreams.
I wish the sound of my voice
sent your heart racing
the same as mine beats at your slightest whisper,
that, before all else,
you sought out me
as I cannot put any above you.
Each second that speeds by,
each moment that has us separated,
I hope that you feel this longing
as that echoes through my entire soul
and that
I am not alone
in knowing, doubtlessly,
that we should be together,
that we belong together
and that our world is forever incomplete
every heartbeat we are apart.

closer and closer to hopelessness

I live now
on that verge of tears,
on that edge of loneliness,
in a misery I brought onto myself.
Every moment is haunted
with the happiness I once held
and every distraction futile
because all I want to think of is you.
I’d give anything
to trek back where we were good,
to bring us to where we were meant to be;
I’d do anything
to have your arms around me,
to feel your heart beat against mine again.
To be so far away,
to not have your light in my life
hurts
as though my soul has lost its true mate,
as though every aspect of life
has twisted to a barren emptiness
where the hope of love
has become
so far from my grasp.

The sky’s dullness is echoed
in every second that ticks by,
the quiet thick of the night
covers me in a restless fog.
Minutes go by,
turning into hours,
turning into days,
leading towards an emptiness.
If I could feel more than this pain,
if I thought tomorrow held any hope,
if I mattered enough for you…
My reflection stares back with accusation,
for letting things fall apart,
for not being what was needed
and allowing our love to fall asunder.
I could not want this
for all my days,
I could not want ever to be apart from you
and this damnation
I have wrought
leaves nothing ahead
but the empty pain of your absence.

My heart breaks
more and more
every second I am away from you
and my heart aches
for this distance that has grown between us.
There’s no tomorrow I can see
that can be seen wanted,
that can be whole
without you in my life .
My sun,
my everything,
all I ever wanted from this life
beats within your chest
and falls from your lips
every time you said you loved me.
I don’t turn away from this,
I am not running away
because the only place I would run to
would be to your arms.
I cry for nothing but
that which I know deep throughout me,
that my fate, that my love
means nothing
without your presence,
without your love.

I gasp,
deep, longing breaths
and every moment
rakes against my soul
as the pain of your absence
leaves me empty,
leaves me hopeless.